5.2.24
WHY AM I LIKE THIS?
Over the past two or so years, I have been noticing a shift in my every day state of being that borders on unruly and outright irresponsible. OK, I am being a bit dramatic here, but lately I have been doubling down on my introspective observation of myself and it's starting to … worry me?
Here's what I mean (and by the way, I KNOW you have noticed)... On the daily, I am sort of running on empty in every sense of the word. This manifests in the following:
always arriving 3-11 minutes late wherever I am due to be*
typically on low / empty gas tank
almost always on 20% or less phone battery, with a phone charger either on my passenger seat or stuffed in a tote bag
carrying around a stack of mail that is meant to be opened, but I never open, and end up losing / throwing away even though I know there was probably something important like a new copy of my license with my new home address on it, or a replacement credit card
shouldering the weight of knowing I have likely procrastinated something large or small, such as returning an email from A+Ps teacher or working on a major deliverable for a client (ok but we both know I always get the work stuff done)
arriving where I am meant to be without a key tool that is needed (for example, arriving to a team meeting without my laptop, or to get a pedicure without my wallet, etc. etc. etc.)
procrastinating some major to semi-major adult tasks such as finalizing my taxes, making a dermatologist appointment, addressing the STACK of EZ pass bills on the counter, and responding to my financial advisor's request for a check in call
*unfortunately I have to expand on this. I am late for everything because I am the person that will be laying horizontal in a bath up until 3 minutes before I am supposed to depart my house because there is some demonic delusional corner of my brain that thinks those calculations work and that everything will just be fine
Honestly, the list could go on and on but I am actually getting worried as a type - because, WHY AM I LIKE THIS?
I have a few working theories, they present as follows:
THE BURNOUT THEORY, otherwise known as IDGAF Theory: perhaps I spent soooo many years of my young adult life identifying as a hyper productive perfectionist, and I got such a thrill from crossing things off to do lists and excelling at efficiency that I must have reached a breaking point and realized I can't sustain that kind of output? And it's just sort of freeing to not give a f*ck?
THE LEXAPRO THEORY: could it be that the small dose of lexapro I take daily to manage my anxiety has numbed me to caring about these things and I am simply happy to just exist?
THE LAZY GIRL THEORY: am I just a lazy girl?
Anyways, I wasn't always like this. For the most part, I have always identified as a pretty put together person. I would even venture to say - a highly functioning, over-performing, self-motivated star!!!! And OK, some of those descriptions probably do still apply - but in my day to day, minute to minute life I feel like I have lost a bit of control, and I truly don't know why.
To conclude, I will pose the existential question to both myself and our readers: do I want to change? Do I NEED to change? Instead of asking WHY AM I LIKE THIS, should I just be saying: THIS IS WHO I AM!!